The days keep pushing since the breakup and I find that I really don't think about Kristi specifically much. It would seem that I think more about the fact that there is more an absence of received attention and/or a entity to give attention to. I feel a sense of emptiness but I'm not sure if it is her I miss or just the idea that someone cared about me.
Either way I do feel pretty fucking worthless. I understand that the people around me care but I also don't feel any form of a romantic connection to anyone and that is what I miss. The two times I have brought down my defenses and allowed myself to care and not care about being hurt, I've been burned. I've told two women I loved them and both have told me they didn't feel the same. That would do a number to anyone. I find that I am trying to get some form of romantic or sexual gratification from the women around me but that is just misdirected feelings of inadequacy. I just wish I could convince myself of that.
At this point in my life I don't even think there is a reason to try again. At least, not until things have settled down in my life. The next year or two is going to bring a lot of changes and I can't promise anyone anything. How can I bring anyone in to my life under those conditions? How?
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